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GH 3/9: Two Tables for One, please

2010-03-09T20:22:00Z

Nurse's Station: Robin and Patrick are having some disagreement about something.

Kelly's: Ethan has lunch with that blond who knows Bernie. Kristina gossips about her with Waitress Mike. Keifer shows up, excited about plans he's made for Friday.

Maxilu's: Dante and Looloo make out on the sofa and are surprised by Maxie walking in. To her own apartment. I assume there was no sock on the door?

Jason's Penthouse: It's taken longer for Sam and Jason to throw 4 black t-shirts into a bag than it took Lisa to perform emergency surgery, Carly to make a Jealousy Dinner for Jax, and Dante to heal from open heart surgery. Carly shows up, angry that other people make decisions about her son without including her. I mean, not angry like she'd be with Jax, but angry like she'd be with the postman for bending a package that clearly says "photos, do not bend."

Commercials

Maxilu: Maxie has changed into a black catsuit and black leather jacket so that she can go deal with the ridiculous Felicioning of her. She leaves after everyone blithers about various places to get snacks. Loo and Dante run to the bedroom, but then Laundromat Lou shows up and wants to talk about police business. Because phones don't exist.

Metrocourt: Sonny and Olivia sit alone at two different tables and talk over their shoulders to each other. Sonny pulls out the one sided guilt card whereby since Olivia lied about Dante his whole life, the least she can do is fill in some of the blanks. Olivia tells Sonny that Dante loved math in school. Sonny eats his salad and says he loves math too. He asks who Dante's heroes were. Olivia continues to be fairly polite and helpful to Sonny, but then she starts talking about the famous Mr. Politti, and how Dante admired him, and he was a good, honest man. She gets emotional as she talks about him, so clearly she knows that it was Sonny who killed him. "But then he was killed. But then...I guess you know all about that, don't you?" As per usual, Sonny is so indignant and says Olivia never once considered that he'd have been a loving father, despite what he does. Oy. and why the hell should she? It's not the job of everyone else on the planet to find love in their heart for mobsters, Sonny. It's a mobster's responsibility to manage to somehow win the rest of us over. Olivia snaps that she gave Dante a great life, and he had her brothers to fill in any gaps, and they treasure and adore him. She says Sonny can't say that Dante's not a happy good man, and the point of his existence is not to make Sonny feel redeemed. Woot, Go Olivia! Sonny doesn't know what the hell any of that means, of course, so he gets insulting and tosses some money in her general direction. Olivia becomes a controlled wild woman and gives a great little speech that is mostly awesome because of the hand gestures she uses to punctuate it. It's worth watching later to get the exact words. There's a lot of hand waving, and this one gesture where she opens her hands wide and waves them around in front of him, as if to encompass all that he is, and then she makes a gesture like she's tossing it all back in his face, like you'd flick your wrist and fingers to shakes something gross off of them. She shoves the money back into his pocket. He has no rebuttal, so he angrily says she thinks she knows everything. Olivia says all she knows is ever man he's ever shot was someone's son, and this time it was his. He's got nothing, so he leaves, convincing himself that leaving now means he wins another argument.

Maxilu's: Carly shows up in tears to beg Looloo to speak to Dante regrding Claud's murder. She promises she's not trying to protect Sonny and that this is about Michael.

Corinthaus: Lou and Dante snoop around, gloveless, looking for clues.

Locker Room: Lisa changes clothes after surgery. Patrick finds her to discuss the patient, and seems distracted that she's in her underwear. She doesn't seem to think one way or the other about it, and good for her if she's taking longer than she should to put her clothes on under the guise that she's interested in the patient. More characters need a good poker face. (not that I want her to be with Patrick, but good lord is this show lacking slutty people. and when they are awesome and slutty like Liz, they send them to Victorian Port Charles)

Dungeon Mazes of Port Charles: Or somewhere. the hell? Maxie and Spinelli are once again in that dungeon underground area that has little rooms and grates that close. Please don't ask me why. Furthermore, please don't tell me why. It matters not.

Commercials

Two Story Jet: I love soap opera jets. I admit I've never even been at the same airport as a private jet, so what do I know...but from the ones I've seen in movies and actual TV shows, none of them are so gigantic they have paintings hanging in them. Like...maybe Airforce One, I guess...but that's hardly a "private jet", no? Michael sulks that they are going to The Island. Jason tries to cheer him up by telling baby stories about him.

Maxilu's: Carly cries that blah blah, Sonny has good qualities, so therefore, Dante will connect with him one day. In her mind, in the show's mind, Sonny is so enigmatic, that everyone eventually is seduced by him. They just quit caring about how he kills people to make a living. It's like how people are with their health insurance. They don't care that their health insurance companies make decisions that lead to misery and death of some people. They will concede that sure, if there was a way to get rid of the parts that cause misery and death, that would be ideal, but it's not so important that they'd risk losing one single dimple or blue dress. All that matters is that so far, they've gotten whatever they needed. They understand that one day, they too may be on the ugly end of this relationship, but until then, they just love it like they gave birth to it. Maybe that's why I hate Sonny. I'm self employed.

Corinthaus: Sonny comes home to find Dante and Lou and is upset that Dante still wants to put Michael through any inconvenience.

GH 3/8: It's Everyone Else Who Causes Harm

2010-03-08T20:02:00Z

Haunted Star: Lucky and Luke beseech Ethan to stay away from Johnny and threaten to go so far as to have him deported. Apparently his visa is expired. Luke says that Sonny has promised not to hold Ethan responsible for anything Johnny does. Lucky scoffs and says that lots of people have been under Sonny's protection but still are injured or killed, such as Michael.

Xtreme Motors: Jason has pulled a gun on Johnny and says he appreciates that Johnny protected Michael, but he'll still kill him if he wants. and then he turns his back on a crazy person and actually seems surprised when said crazy person, who wants to kill him, pulls a gun on him.

Victorian Port Charles: Liz is livid that Nik wants to set up a trust for her baby. She says she destroyed any future she had with Lucky, and she didn't just hurt him, she risked his sobriety, and she appreciates that he can even stand to look at her, much less help her with her recovery. When she looks at Nik, she only sees sadness, betrayal and guilt, and that's no foundation for a future. She says because the Cassadines had anything to do with the money, she thinks it's cursed, and she wants no part of it or him. She's got plenty of blood money from her other baby daddy, thank you very much. Nik sadly leaves.

Metrocourt: Olivia follows Carly around, making notes. Somehow this is all Sonny related.

Corinthaus: Sonny comes home to find Dante talking to Michael, and he gets all stutter barky about it. Dante mockingly says that he thought he was a welcome in this family, so why can't he talk to his brother?

Credits

Corinthaus: Sonny sends Michael away and chides Dante for talking to him about murders and stuff because Dante could do damage to Michael. Dante scoffs that Sonny believes it's only everyone else who ever causes any harm. Sonny nods slightly. Dante talks some more about how Sonny has deluded himselfinto believing he's not the problem.

Xtreme Motors: Johnny turns the butt of his gun towards Jason and says he's not going to fire back, no matter how much ammo Jason throws his way. All he wants is revenge for his sister, and he wants it from Sonny. Jason asks what it would take to let this go. Johnny scoffs at that and asks if Jason could "let it go" if it was Carly or Emily. Jason doesn't have an answer for that, but he does say that he wishes Johnny wouldn't do this, and if Johnny keeps pushing, he'll push back.

Metrocourt: Spinelli and Maxie are on some sort of stupid stake out.

Corinthaus: Dante says that Michael not being able to talk about what happened is going to be hard on him. Sonny says Michael wasn't there the night he killed Claudia. Then he makes up a story about what he did the night Claud died. He says he hit Claud harder than he intended. That Claudia died was an accident, but saving Carly and the baby was justified. Then he walks away and stares crazily at the craft services table.

Commercials

Victorian Port Charles: Lainey shows up for therapy. Nic is there for some strange reason. I can only assume because obviously Liz won't have anything of importance to say to her therapist. She'll need a man there to explain what she's thinking and feeling.

Haunted Star: Tracy thinks Ethan and Luke are up to something.

Metrocourt: Jax sees the dinner that Carly set up. He assumes it's for him. Carly walks in wearing a little black dress. Jax says he's at a loss for words. Carly thanks him briskly and asks Olivia if she thinks Sonny will like it.

Commercials

Victorian Port Charles: Lucky and Nik both sit in on Liz's therapy. She explains how she started losing her mind that time Nik kissed her as a joke to make Rebecca and Lucky jealous. And then the next thing she knew, she was hoarding guns and listening to Helter Skelter backwards.

Haunted Star: Tracy's new plan to keep Ethan in the country is to divorce Luke and marry Ethan. She and Ethan torture Luke a little bit acting like they are serious.

Metrocourt: blah blah Carly tries to make Jax jealous. He asks her to be sure this is what she really wants. She is, so he says he has a dinner companion tonight as well. He looks over at Olivia, but she bats it away saying "oh, HELL no, you two aren't dragging me into some threeway train wreck, I've got enough problems of my own."

Xtreme Motors: Dante stops by to talk about Claud's death with Johnny. He wants to verify Sonny's story, but Johnny says he didn't see or hear anything that indicated Sonny was at the cabin. Dante asks about Michael, but Johnny barks that Dante needs to leave Michael alone.

Commercials

Corinthaus: Jason rushes in and tells Michael that he's taking him to The Island. Michael says he's not running away. Michael's latest Daddy Issues include being jealous that Sonny sees Dante as an equal, but he doesn't see Michael that way. Jason says he can resolve these issues on the island, not here.

Xtreme Motors: Johnny says Michael needs a big brother or a role model. Dante says he feels sympathy for Michael and his goal is to get Michael away from Sonny and the lies and manipulations. Dante suddenly realizes that Sonny must think he's going to name Michael as a witness, so Sonny will try to get him out of the country.

Metrocourt: Spinelli and Maxie talk about some French chef that he's supposed to follow. They seem to think he's a serial killer. She agrees to help him. He gets a phone call and a big man with a French accent gets off the elevator and Maxie runs after him.

Haunted Star: Tracy says that marrying Ethan will be fun b/c then Looloo can be her sister-in-law. Ethan leaves and says goodbye to Spanky Buns, enjoying making Luke squirm. Luke decides to play along and says he'll agree to the divorce if he gets $40k a month, the lamborgini, the 5 room suite in the east wing, and a private entrance "because I plan on doing lots of entertaining." Tracy says he's outrageous and turns to go. Then she decides to call his bluff and says it will be to help Ethan, so they should all go to Vegas right now. Luke calls uncle and laughs that it seems like they should have killed each other years ago. As strange and brutal as their marriage is, it works better for him than anything ever has, so he's not letting her go for anyone, not even his son. She says that the smartest thing he's said in years, and they kiss.

Victorian Port Charles: Lainey tells liz that if she thought Lucky was all good and Nik was all bad, she wouldn't have had the affair. What the hell show is Lainey watching? Lainey says there must have been something she got from Nik that she didn't get from Lucky. Based on their necks, I gotta imagine we got a girth vs length thing going on, and some days you need a different tool for the same job. Liz starts to talk, but then they all remember that she's a woman and also crazy, so Lucky explains that he kept Liz in the past in his mind. and somehow that led her to want to have sex with his brother? and drown all those kittens?

Commercials

Victorian Port Charles: in the Hallway Nik says he's made his intentions clear that he wants the baby to be his and marry Liz, but he wants to know what Lucky wants.

In her room, Liz tells Lainey that even if Lucky was right and she was trying to sabotage their relationship before, she doesn't want to anymore. She wants to be with him. Lainey reminds Liz that it's illegal for two women to have a conversation without a man present to witness it. Otherwise the world would get all crazy and women could become doctors or nurses or own property, and that would ruin everything.

Back in the hall Lucky says he wants the same things Nik wants, for the baby to be Nik's.

Metrocourt: Sonny joins carly for dinner. At the bar, Olivia tells Jax to go home and not torture himself by watching, which is what Carly wants. He wants to see how this plays out. Back at the table, Carly tells Sonny she ordered all his favorites. He says he needs to talk to her about Michael. He says Michael almost confessed to Dante earlier. Carly is alarmed. Sonny says he handled it, and Jason and Sam are taking Michael to The Island. Carly is irate that Sonny made a decision like this without consulting her.

Jason's Penthouse: Jason and Sam are packed. Michael is annoyed that he's going to have to go to Island Jail. Dante knocks on the door saying he needs to talk about Michael.

the end

GH 3/4: You're So Vain, You Probably Think that Song is About You

2010-03-04T19:59:00Z

The music montage repeats and continues from yesterday. Lucky chases Bill Clinton. Nik gets paperwork notarized, but they use teddy bear stationery, so it's okay. Liz waits for Kelly while someone whiny emo guy sings "Where do I gooooo from here?" Lucky shoots Bill Clinton just as Kelly inserts the needle.

Wyndermere: Alexis bickers with Nik about the trust.

GH: Kelly tells Liz in a few short days, she'll know who the father of her baby is.

Rooftop: Even though they were standing 6 feet apart, Lucky missed Bill. Bill jumps over the side of the roof.

Jason's Penthouse: Clair is waiting for Jason's return. Oddly she has bed head. Did Sam do the district attorney while waiting for Jason to come home? Jason comes home and Clair says she knows he was in Cuba, and now he's going to be arrested. She also jokes that the coffee is really good, which makes sense since he imports coffee.

Credits

Jason's Penthouse: Clair's grounds for arresting Jason will be for failure to appear in federal court b/c she's going to call him to testify in Sonny's trial. Sonny's trial is a federal trial? Why? Why do I ask questions like that?

Metrocourt: Carly asks a guy who is not McFarty where Jax is. he offers to page Jax, but she shuts him down. Jax shows up and Carly smiles broadly, certain that she's so awesome in bed...or against pole as it were...that he couldn't sleep a wink and will beg her forgiveness and even let her sleep with Sonny every other Valentine's day, just so he can have her back. Jax is business-like and polite with her. He says he wants to discuss sleeping arrangements, and she lights up, sure she's won. But he means Jocelyn and asks if she can have Mercedes bring a koala onesy that Lady Jane gifted. Carly is bummed.

Commercials

Metrocourt: Xylophone Guy is going to be working overtime for the next few days, as Jax and Carly tempt each other to give in to what they clearly imagine is the best sex the other has ever had. heh. He talks about putting satin sheets in all the suites because there's nothing like spending the night on satin sheets. Then he pulls out a sample of Belgian chocolate that will go on all the pillows for turn down service. If you've had good Belgian chocolate you know he's not faking it when he moans at little after eating on a tiny bite. It's a bit over the top, and Carly catches onto his game. He realizes this is his last piece and offers her the rest of it. She smiles and leans forward with her mouth open and nibbles a bite out of his hand, catching a chocolate crumb with her tongue. He asks if she wants another bite, but she briskly says she has a meeting and leaves to plot her next move.

Bullpen: Lucky says he chased a guy doing a break in. Dante asks "Bush or Clinton?" Lucky doesn't find this to be odd b/c he has the Clinton mask in a bag and asks how Dante knew this. Dante says when Max dresses like Bush, Milo dresses like Clinton. Kinky!

Jason's Penthouse: Clair blathers about how she's going to get what she wants, and Jason will have to take the stand, and he won't have a lawyer protecting him, and even if he's a hostile witness, she's going to get him to make things worse for Sonny. Also, she is wearing a simply lovely blue/purple cowl neck blouse with her black suit, but that hair. It does not belong. Why on earth would this woman show up to say this? 1. It can't be entirely ethical. 2. If you realize a man has been twice acquitted for murder when you yourself think the evidence in his file shows he was guilty, THEN WHY BROADCAST YOUR PLAN TO HIM?

Wyndermere: Alexis and Nik bicker again some more. It's all so he can once again profess his boring ass love for Liz. I still do adore Tyler Christopher, but it's mostly out of habit. This pining over Liz thing has me bored to tears.

Commercials

Victorian Port Charles: Robin wheels Liz back into her room on a gurney. She decides to leave the hockey mask affixed to her face in case she starts getting all cannibally again. Robin shows her some pictures the boys colored. Liz says she feels like her life is on hold until she knows who the father is.

Wyndermere: Alexis says Nik wants the baby to be his, but what will he do if it's Lucky's. Nik offers vague answers. He then brings up how Alexis was defending Sonny for murder. He wants to keep hoping the baby is his b/c he's gotten really good at ignoring babies, and the women in his life usually die a lot, sometimes more than once.

Jake's: Also, Johnny has a limp now, much like the kind you'd have if you jumped off a 2nd floor roof. Spinelli and Maxie note this, and they know Lucky was chasing someone. I guess the fire escape ladder tweeted them to let them know?

Bullpen: Laundromat Lou finds Lucky and Dante and tells them the producers have decided to extend his recurring status for a few more weeks, at which point, it will be revealed that he is a long lost Wonder Twin and can turn into an axe at will, and so really, Michael chopped off Claudia's head with Laudromat Lou and not an axe, so really, Lou is the one who will have to go to jail. I might be making that up, but it won't be any more ridiculous than whatever the writers actually come up with to let everyone get away with murder. Again. I do think Lou is somehow working on the case again, or still.

Commercials

Metrocourt: Proofs of Jocelyn's christening are delivered, and Carly and Jax smile dazzling at them. He says that's the way they should be. They start to reconcile, but she remains angry that he's not sorry for setting up Sonny "Even though you almost sent Michael to prison." kind of a leap there.

Bullpen: Dante wants to get Sonny by the book and gets very defensive when Lou implies that he's covering for Sonny about his shooting. But he IS covering for Sonny with his shooting.

Jason's Penthouse: Lucky shows up and Jason and Lucky both know that Bill Clinton was really Johnny. Lucky says he didn't tell him this to inform him. He says that if Jason acts hastily then things will escalate. Lucky says he's here to remind Jason that it's his job to go after Liz. "Er...I mean Johnny, did I say Liz? that's so weird." or not really. He just says it's his job to go after Johnny.

Nurses's Station: Robin gossips with Nik about Liz. something about how Liz gets her strength from her children. That and living in the 21st century, I'd imagine. Nik repeats the same boring thing he says to everyone. that he loves Nik and wants to be with her. It would be so kickass if she was pregnant with Ric's baby.

meanwhile, Helena is somewhere plotting and looking unsure of her plan. I'm telling ya, I think we are going to have a record setting switcheroo situation here.

Commercials

Jason's Penthouse: Lucky insists that Jason leave Johnny to him. Jason says Johnny is out of control. Lucky says after what they did to his sister, it's hardly suprising. Jason asks Lucky what he'd do if Johnny was trying to take down someone. Lucky doesn't play the hypothetical and says simply with all the people Sonny has messed with, it's not surprising that someone would try. Jason angrily asks if Lucky would do nothing to protect Luke. Lucky admits he would do something, but he still needs more time with Johnny.

Metrocourt: Carly and Jax have that same old fight. He won't apologize for doing what he believed would keep his family safe. She won't budge on the notion that somehow Michael's only at risk b/c of stuff Jax did and that stuff she and Sonny have done doesn't deserve any ridicule or concern. Blah blah she thinks he's trying to "get Sonny" he points out that after Michael was shot, she cut Sonny out of their lives b/c she believed it was best for her children. To her credit, this does shut her up for a moment. He says that slowly she let Sonny back into their lives, and he doesn't understand why. He says she'll never be able to forgive herself if her kids are hurt again b/c of her loyalty to Sonny. He ends saying he won't let Jocelyn be hurt like that and won't let her every be any part of Sonny's life. (That is until she barfily marries him in 12 years when she's 24) He leaves, and Carly sadly contemplates all of this. She drops the christening photos and is very alarmed by one of the photos. We don't see it.

Jakes' also, Maxie has defended Johnny's recklessness b/c she knows what it's like to have a sister be murdered, and she admires Johnny's devotion to his cause, even if it's ill advised. Spinelli sees this as a cause for jealousy b/c Maxie is drawn to dark men.

Victorian Port Charles: Alexis visits Liz and tells her that Nik has set aside money for the baby.

GH: Also, there is this aggravating bit of business with Nik being about to go into a conference room, but the editing suggests Helena is in the conference room. Unless I missed the part where she rigged a shotgun to go off whenever anyone enters, I don't get why we've had two separate scenes of his almost entering a room and then not.

Commericals

GH: Ah, I see, Helena is conspiring with lab tech guy in the conference room. Nik doesn't enter the room and instead pulls Lisa aside. They've also been conspiring, and she sent a separate set of DNA samples to an independent lab. Meanwhile Stephen asks Epiphany how Liz was when she was here. Piph says Liz is fine, and there were no complications, and she only ate off three of her fingernails this time, so that's progress.

Victorian Port Charles: Liz is surprised that yet another man wants to give her money for having a baby. Quite the little cottage industry this woman's womb has become.

Jake's: Earlier Coleman advised Johnny that it's a bad idea to take on Sonny. Johnny says the high is too fun. Coleman says regardless, "his little slice of heaven" is a neutral zone, no bullets in the walls and especially in Coleman. Johnny agrees.

Maxie tells Spinelli that dark and dangerous is so last year and that nothing is more powerful than a jackal.

Johnny sits at the bar and raspy voice with a southern accent asks "what'll it be, bubba?" John looks over to see Bill Clinton mask sitting at the bar waving at him.

Jason's Penthouse: Carly brings the baby book to Jax and says she found a picture of Franco in it and that Franco is still after him.
Thanks for reading!

GH 3/3: Top O' The Cupcake to You

2010-03-03T20:00:00Z

Victorian Port Charles: Liz summons Lucky to the insane asylum to ask him not to be at the hospital when she gets the test done. I love how every single conversation has to be done face to face. "Hey, Patrick, I stopped by your house that's at the edge of a forest to ask if you want sugar with the coffee that I'm going to pick up from Kelly's and bring back here for you." "Alexis, I drove out to the lake to remind you that I'm picking you up for our meeting in 20 minutes. So, I'm going to go now and drive across town and remind Sonny that we are meeting him, then I'll be back to pick you up."

Dante's room: Dante wakes up and kisses Looloo. They are both still virgins.

Corinthaus: Robin brings Sonny a cupcake.

Credits

Victorian Port Charles: Lucky is confused how Liz expects to have a medical procedure without a big, strong man to help her. Her doctor is a lady, so obviously hardly competent. Liz, being wholly insane, believes that she can handle this alone. The depravity of her insanity is so heartbreaking. but also, hasn't Lucky already told her he wants nothing to do with her? So....she calls him out here to say "while you aren't having anything to do with me, can you add this to the list of things you won't do with me." weird.

Corinthaus: Sonny gives one of has aggravating little speeches where he explains that while Robin may think it was wrong of him to shoot Dante, what's really the case is that she lacks a moral compass that allows her to kill people to get what she wants. He says the word "rules' like 85 times, and he draws it out, like he's saying droooollllllz. Fortunately for him, Robin is a big ol' dummy and she says she doesn't like the part where Sonny thinks he gets to decide who lives or dies. Then they agree they should meet for snacks more often, or something. and ......I guess she just has to hope that the next person Sonny decides to murder isn't someone she particularly likes so that it can continue not to bother her? Have you ever known someone who's killed a person? A friend of mine drove drunk once and killed a guy on a motorcycle. He went to prison, he's full of remorse, he's not a bad person, and I still love him. But I am palpably aware of the face that he killed someone. and here Robin is buying cupcakes for someone that purposefully and on multiple instances has killed someone, and not only that, refuses to rule it out as an option....and not even in a last resort, self defense way. Just with a shrug, cuz the person is inconveniencing him.

Dante's: Olivia bangs on the door. She's brought over a casserole because she's such a mom. Loo and Dante are embarassed. Olivia thinks Looloo is great, but that it's too early- Looloo cuts her off and says it's too early to have sex. Everyone stares at each other.

Victorian Port Charles: Another face to face conversation that could easily have been done by phone. Nik is sad that Liz won't let him be there for the paternity test.

Haunted Star: Lucky tells Luke he gave his DNA. Luke asks what Lucky will do if the baby is his.

Commercials

Yay, Modern Family is back!

Dante's room: Looloo packs up to leave b/c she wants to ensure Dante recovers. Can't they just hang out and not have sex? Like they've done non stop for 38 years now? Loo leaves. Olivia is pleased that Looloo is the kind of person who wouldn't have sex with a person who has a healing chest wound. Are there really people who would risk someone's death like that, though? Dante says he can't confide with Olivia about his love life b/c he doesn't trust her.

Kelly's: Keifer and Kristina are back together. He says he can't stop thinking about her, which is actually a remarkably creepy thing for someone to say. Or, I guess it's sweet if it's someone sweet, but so gross when it's someone who's thinking about ways to improve and control her. Kristina explains that she's decided she can wear whatever clothes she wants to. I assume he got on her case for her clothes. Keifer grouses that it sounds like K is still mad at him and hasn't forgiven him for hitting her. She tries to be patient with this lunkhead and starts to explain that she can want or do a thing and that wanting or doing has nothing to do with his life b/c the sun doesn't actually rise and set on him. But the other narcissist in her life walks through the door at that moment. Kristina sees her father and takes Keifer's hand, not that she takes any comfort from Keifer, but in a strength in numbers kind of way. Sonny walks up to the table. Stares. Barks "leave" to Keifer. the hell? He can't even be protective of his daughter in a way that's actually anything to do with her. Even this is just about how he perceives himself to be awesome and scary and powerful. Kristina asks Keifer to stay. She tells Sonny that he's the one who's not invited, and she has nothing to say to him. She gulps and finishes meekly, politely and defiantly that he can just keep on walking by. Sonny stares.

GH: Liz had to be transported to GH in a crazy person van. Apparently she has to be under lock and key at all moments. She talks about her pattern of being with Lucky, then Jason, then Ric, then back to Lucky, the Jason, then Lucky then Nik. Um, Liz, that first "with Jason" thing? You went on bike rides with the guy. You weren't 'with him.' You drove places with him. See the difference? Whatever. Robin says some idiotic thing about how now that Liz is admitting that she likes to have sex with people she's in love with, she's closer to recovery. I've never been more baffled by a storyline than this one.

Commercials

Kelly's: Sonny chastises Robin and tells her that even if she's confused about how it's awesome to kill people, she still has to be respectful. I thought she told him to eff off about as respectfully as anyone ever has. She apologizes and asks him to sitys Keifer is staying. Keifer smiles because he's a tool and doesn't get that he's even vaguely pertinent to the proceedings. Sonny says stupid stuff about how he's going to keep being a good father. That would be like my saying "I'm going to keep being a world class violinist."

GH: .

Robin asks Liz what she'd want if she could have anything, what would it be. Liz says she'd have a mom and dad and kids living under one roof, preferably one Jason bought out of guilt. and scarves. a whole room just for them all. Liz says she had that with Lucky, but now she blew it. She also says that Nik wants to marry her, but she can't b/c she'll make him unhappy too.

helena has bribed the lab guy to fix the results

Corinthaus: Patrick visits Sonny for a scene in which it actually does make sense that it would be face to face. He says he's known for months that Dante is his son...that he overheard Olivia and Kate discussing it. Sonny does that same stupid song and dance about how this basically means that not only did Olivia and Jax kill Dante, but now Patrick helped them. Then Patrick says the one sentence I don't believe anyone has answered with "Sonny, Dante wouldn't have been shot if you hadn't pulled the trigger." Patrick, number 1 with a bullet! (loaded God complex, cock it and pull it) Sonny stops and stares. I feel like everyone on set all stopped and stared too. Like the gaffer and first AD, everyone at craft services, all just stopped and stared, like with their hands in mid donut delivery.

Commercials

Corinthaus: Sonny ingores pesky things like facts and scoffs that Patrick must be perfect and never made a mistake. Good lord, he sounds dumber than those hillbillies on Springer at this point. Patrick exhales sharply and repeats "A mistake? Sonny, you shot an unarmed cop." Sonny throws stuff and says that this happened because of people like Patrick. I really think in Sonny's mind, Olivia and Jax held Dante down, Patrick shot him, and all the while Sonny was desperately trying to stop them. Then Sonny bizarrely says that Patrick thinks he'd never make a mistake to hurt his child, and he's in for a rude awakening. Patrick stares at this sad little monster of a man so self deluded, he may think he's a leggy red head.

Alley: Some dude in a Bill Clinton mask breaks into a building. that was weird.

Kelly's: Ethan shows up with a blond who's got a lot of face going on. Keifer is pleased that Ethan is dating someone, and he leaves. Kristina asks Ethan for her next poker lesson. Ethan decides that being a dick is the only thing he can do at this point to keep the jailbait at bay. Also, the blond seems to know Bernie, so I think he's pumping her for info.

Kelly's: Olivia and Johnny kiss. She's worried things will end badly. he's full of arrogance that he's going to have it all.

Wyndermere: Alexis shows up with a notary and some paperwork for Nik. It's a trust he's setting up for Homer and Liz's baby. Aw, how sweet, he finally remembered he has a child and is going to throw money at it. It's like a rocking chair wrapped in that mockingbird song.

GH: Liz shows up for her test. Everyone stares at her because she's covered in her own feces and has bitten off most of her right hand. Kelly takes her off to have her test. Lisa, Piph and Robin gossip about how Nik stopped by and Lisa thinks he's nice. But I'm guessing Nik didn't do any keg stands, so I wonder if she thought he's a boring old married man? Nik told her he loves Liz and wants to be with her. That's a weird thing to say to a complete stranger. Helena is 40 feet away, eaveslurking.

Commercials

Haunted Star: Dante and Lucky chat a bit about how they are still working together even if Sonny is dante's dad. Lucky gets a call about a possible break in.

Ending Montage:

terrible song about where do I go from here plays. Nik signs paperwork because it's so effing meaningful to have your attorney draw up papers and then sign them. So moving. I always hated when my daddy would spend time with me and read to me when I was Homer's age. Oh, how I longed for him to get something notarized for me instead!

Lucky chases Bill Clinton all over town. I'm guessing this is Johnny, right? or Ethan? then end up on a roof top in a gun fight.

Liz risks her baby's life so she won't be inconvenienced with wondering.

GH 3/2: Father Knows Best

2010-03-02T19:52:00Z

It's my understanding that we had to watch Country Judge and Clair The Tough But Useless Attorney grimace about while Sam, Jason and Spinelli ran around like a bunch of drama queens who were trapped in a hotel in Hollywood on Group Night. Just so that Sonny would get the bail that he already got.

Victorian Port Charles: Liz has summoned Nik to tell him she's made a decision about having the paternity test now instead of later. But Lucky is not okay with having it now. Liz looks forlornly away, as it's pre-19th amendment, so she has absolutely no say in when she DOES WHATEVER THE EFF SHE WANTS WITH HER OWN STUPID BODY. omg, Show, who is your target audience in all of this? Because if it's to teach us that being slutty is wrong, um, maybe take a glance AT EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAS EVER LIVED IN THIS GODFORSAKEN TOWN.

Corinthaus: or somewhere. Carly is still bizarrely fixated on Jax as the only person she's ever known who has caused her a second's grief. That this is the "mess you made" and that poor widdle Sonny was just minding his business, shooting at women at a crowded party and shooting unarmed cops.

Credits

Victorian Port Charles: blah blah, Lucky and Nik patronize Liz within an inch of her life, while she continues to suffer from enjoyssexitis. She snarls at Lucky that since he doesn't want her anymore, they need to find out who the father is so everyone can get on with their lives. I don't get where she gets off being grumpy about this, but I also don't get why she's been imprisoned for being a slutty, so I cheer for anything that reminds Liz that it's not a crime to be lusty. She belongs in etiquette school, not a sanitarium.

Jake's: Patrick and Lisa are gross drunk. The only thing left to do is hurl or sleep together to keep from hurling. She's doing lying on her back while shots are poured into her mouth. Thankfully Robin is there, so this doesn't get all Jodie Fostery. Patrick sees Robin limply smiling at him from the doorway. and again, Patrick shouldn't cheat, but I equate the dismissive way she treats Patrick in regards to Jason and Sonny as what he's doing right now. and at least he's doing this to get back at her, which I realize is a weird thing to say, I'd rather my husband flirted with a woman b/c he was hurt and lashing out than have dreadful women from his past always take a place ahead of me and his being as unwilling as Robin is to even recognize that this might be a point of needless contention in our marriage.

Corinthaus: Typical Jax/Carly/Sonny bickering. People accuse Jax of just wanting to hurt Sonny. Jax insisting he wants his family safe, and he doesn't care how Sonny ends up. and instead of ever addressing this or conceding this point, Sonny stutter barks "what about my family?" As if it's Jax's problem. As if Jax is supposed to make decisions that help other people's families, when Sonny would never, never do the same. Case in point, he's upset that Dante was shot b/c Jax kept a secret, but he would not have cared if Dante had been shot and was some other father's child to mourn. Jax remains disgusted by Sonny. Sonny threatens that the only reason Jax is alive is b/c he's Carly's wife. He stutterbarks "when are you finally dumping him? I've waited long enough to settle this." Carly sneers at him. Oh, shut up, Carly's anger face. Yes, asshole, you consistently defend a man WHO WOULD MURDER THE FATHER OF YOUR DAUGHTER...on purpose. with malice aforethought.   But by all means, continue to be astounded that Jax wouldn't want this person to have anything to do with anyone you love.

Haunted Star: Jason is mad at Johnny for getting Ethan involved in all this. As am I!

Commercials

Corinthaus: Does anyone address the fact that Sonny just threatened to murder Jocelyn's father? Nope. Carly is pathetically torn. I could dig it if she was done with both of them. That I would love. But she's sitting here with Sonny as if he's a victim in all of this. and that I loathe. Because Sonny could actually be a fantastic character if he weren't so busy getting literal "get out of jail free" cards on an hourly basis. Kill everyone but Kristina.

Jakes" Lisa points out to Coleman that whenever Robin shows up, Patrick becomes a boring family man. It would be awesome if Coleman would say "well, if you want a man who wants to party, asshat, why don't you go find one, instead of wasting so much time obsessing over a man who has made his intentions more than clear at least a dozen times?"

Commercials

Lakehouse: Sometimes Molly's dreaminess gets on my nerves. I dig it that she can't tell Keifer is really a jackhole, but why can't she just take Kristina's word for it that she doesn't want to see him anymore.    Molly thinks Keifer hung the moon and tells Kristina so. They are surprised by Keifer showing up. That nice personality he has is the only one around at the moment, so Kristina agrees to talk to him outside. (Molly exposits that Alexis isn't home)

Haunted Star: Patrick says he appreciates that Sonny was there for her, and all the experiences she had with Sonny and Stone, "they made my wife, and I wouldn't have you any other way." They both cry a little and kiss, and it's very sweet, except for the fact that doesn't Robin still owes me an apology, even if Patrick doesn't need one. So there!

Courthouse: Looloo has Dante on the stand and she decides that since he's sworn to tell the truth. she's going to grill him about his past. We learn that he's been in love before (we should be meeting his child right around the time Kristina develops leukemia and needs a bone marrow transplant.)    They smooch.

Commercials

Lakehouse: Keifer says he can't eat or sleep. She says sometimes she just needs to be alone to think. He says it feels like she doesn't want to be with him. What's wrong with me that I want him to be telling the truth and to have weird DekeHidMeInTheClosetIssues that explain his rage and that I feel bad for him. That's messed up, y'all. I guess I'm empathizing with Kristina. She's seeing her father in her boyfriend and wanting to love and forgive in hopes that loving and forgiving means the bad parts aren't real. And the way Keifer is talking, he sounds as sweet and true as my brother would talking to a girl he loved. I'd be at a loss if I were Kristina, to be honest. She says she believes him, which is not the same as forgiving him or taking him back, and I can't help but to hope there's a satisfying pay off in the next scene.

Metrocourt: Jax and Clair The Useless Attorney sit and work on their strategery. Carly shows up and still feels compelled to chase Clair away.

Courthouse; Dante tells Looloo that he's more in love with her now than he was before. I think what he's saying is she is who he was in love with before, but now , he loves her so much more, that it's like he loves an entirely new person. Aw, boys are so poetical before they get in your pants.

Commercials

Also, it's hilarious to me how many people commented or emailed that they also played mannequin as kids.   I hope y'all fooled more people that we did!

Maxilu's: Dante and Loo pour themselves into a Launch Sequence Activating Kiss. Loo pulls away and says they have been given medical instruction not to be too active. He thinks she's having second thoughts. She giggles that she wants to rip his clothes off, but she doesn't want him to have a heart attack. he says they can just be really slow, and then he starts kissing her, really slow and easy, and oh my. They murmur to each other about how slow is actually kind of awesome. my my.

Victorian Port Charles: Liz informs Lucky and Nik that she accidentally saw a newspaper and realized that it's actually 2010, and thus she is not chattel, so she'll be getting her paternity test tomorrow, and they will be giving DNA samples. Um, but aren't they brothers? So couldn't this go back and forth until the end of time? I mean, beyond the standard Switcharoo of test results.

Corinthaus: Michael has been in Buffalo with Max to keep him away from the courthouse. Sonny says he's free and made bail. Sonny says Dante helped. Michael asks if Dante lied. Sonny, of course, doesn't answer this. He instead says that Dante stuck to his story that he shot himself. and Michael, of course, doesn't say that Sonny didn't answer his question. He says "you must be really proud of your son."

Metrocourt: Hoping that the health inspectors aren't due today, Jax and Carly bicker a bit, and then fling each other around until they are undressing and doing it up against a wall.

Commercials

Haunted Star: Forgot to mention that Jason visits Luke. Don't know what they were talking about....other than The Danger. I don't mind Ethan being involved, I just don't understand his involvement?

Victorian Port Charles: Nik and Lucky go into the hall. Nik thinks they need to co-exist. Lucky says he has no use for him, but he obviously can't cut him out of his life b/c of the Laura, Looloo, and that one of them is uncle to the other's son as time will tell. They leave.
Helena saunters in to Liz and whispers over her sleeping body that tomorrow they will find out there is a new Cassadine heir.

Dante is in bed and Loo is undressing. She says they agreed she'd do all the work. The camera is on just her and she sweetly says that she's nervous b/c it's their first time, and being in love with him makes her feel like a new person. Yeah, sweetie, I dig the sentiment, and by all means, you can have a sentimental hymen just for this guy if you want. Of course, Dante has fallen asleep.

Corinthaus: Missed what Sonny says. I'm sure if I heard it, it would make me love him again. Something about not being able to love someone. or something.

Metrocourt: Post tussle, Jax and Carly are hastily dressed. He says he hopes one day she'll understand that he was trying to save their family. She says she wanted to remind him that he's trying to break them, trying to throw away the best thing that ever happened to him, and that he'll reconsider that it's worth it.

the end

3/1: No recaps today

2010-03-01T19:51:00Z

Gotta go meet a plumber instead.
...

GH 2/26: Pesky Plate Tectonics

2010-02-26T20:00:00Z

XTREME Motors: Remember when Johnny was a pauper, and he found an abandoned, yet perfectly apportioned garage out in the mountains. And it was further established as being in the middle of nowhere when Maxie and Johnny were stranded there one night with nothing but a 6 pack and their mutual attraction? Apparently the Zaccaras only invest in properties located on active fault lines. Just like their house moved from about an hour and a half away in the Hudson River Valley....to down the street from Sonny, so now has Johnny's garage moved from the mountains the the downtown, traffic foley section of Port Charles. Lucky breaks in, looking for clues and finds his father has already broken in.

Nurse's Station: Patrick and Robin bicker loudly about how even though they save people's lives for a living and know the harm a bullet can do, she still thinks Jason and Sonny are neato b/c of how polite they are to people they aren't trying to murder. Lisa, who normally bugs the ever loving crap out of me, butts in, probably mostly b/c she wants Patrick but also because, as she points out "why are you so involved with these mobsters?" Ha! Robin says Lisa doesn't know the history. Lisa shrugs and asks "what's to know? People who shoot unarmed cops are not nice people. They are criminals, and they deserve to be prosecuted." Robin does that thing everyone does in Port Charles when faced with commercials....she looks down and to the left and waits for the director to yell "cut!" so they can quickly go to another scene and never have an honest conversation about their ambivalence. No one ever concedes that Sonny and Jason are criminals. They just cling to that whole "but the pasta is so tasty!" "He cheered me up when my lover died!" or most importantly "because they are so bereft of morals, they never, never never judge the obnoxious things I do!"

Courtroom: Country judge and the attorneys and Sonny all have remarkably unrealistic interactions regarding Sonny's bail.

Credits

Jason's Penthouse: Jason and Sam stand around like they are playing "Mannequins" a game my brother and I played when we were like 4 and 7. We'd sit in the car and stay perfectly still in mannequin poses, so that people would think my mom was carting around mannequins. I know to you that does not sound fun, but it would crack us up at how preposterous it was. The game was really not to giggle at how silly the other one looked, pretending to be a mannequin. Anyway, Jason and Sam are playing that, or so it appears, while Spinelli am opewquwnfeaw 's the escape route for Sonny.

Courthouse: No idea what the attorneys are saying. For some reason Alexis is sonny's attorney now too? Clair questions Dante. Alexis keeps objecting. Sustained! Sustained! I sustain all objections to this storyline!

Haunted Star: Tracy delights in flirting a bit with Johnny and Ethan, while also clawing at them with her eyes, trying to get the dirt on whatever they are doing, so that she can protect her family. I want to donate to a charity where if I donate the most, I get to go shopping at Mood with Jane Elliot, and then Tim Gunn guides the Project Runway people to "design a modern look for a total fucking badass who might be part vampire" or however he'd describe Tracy Quartermaine. If anyone hears of a silent auction like that, email me at madcaprecaps@gmail.com!!!!

Xtreme Motors: Lucky recounts to Luke about how he drove recklessly and hit Maxie, and it was so ironic.

Nurse's Station: So, sort of awesomely, this has turned into an intervention for Robin, with Lisa, Stephen and Patrick doing their best to deprogram their friend. She insists that Sonny has done wonderful things for her, Patrick quietly says that doesn't mean she owes him for the rest of her life. Robin points out that Sonny did create the AIDS wing, which reasonably implies that she sort of does owe him her life, since, as we know, she magically basically doesn't have HIV....and it's also true there are plenty of people who are HIV positive but b/c they got the right drug cocktail at the right time, they are basically living perfectly healthy, normal lives. Stephen weirdly talks to the back of Robin's head that Sonny has been very generous to the hospital, but it's their ethical duty not to let that affect how they treat any patients. Robin sullenly admits defeat, in a pouty way and storms off. It's that way people say "My question is were you always such a jackass?" in Survivor final tribal council.

Commercials

Xtreme Motors: Lucky blathers about how it was so hard for him to lie to Liz that he forgave her "she's disappearing before my eyes." That's because you have to make sure Steve and Audrey kiss at the Under the Sea Dance back in Victorian Port Charles, Lucky! Otherwise, Liz will never be born! Lucky doesn't know what to do. Luke suggests they take off for Florida. Lucky gets teary eyed, and at first, I think it's b/c he's sad that his father's first impulse is to bail when things get tough, and that he doesn't want to do that to his children. But then it turns out he doesn't think they should leave Ethan, a grown ass man, stuck in some stupid conflict between Sonny and Johnny....totally of his own accord. Luke says they can kidnap Ethan, and Lucky thinks it sounds like a good idea. (meanwhile, across town, Cameron wakes up screaming.) Luke says they have to address Lucky's anger.

Haunted Star: Tracy continues to beg Ethan to stay away from Johnny.

Jason's Penthouse: Sam, Jason and Spinelli stand around plotting a jail break. But they are SO NICE ABOUT IT, y'all!

Courthouse: After much back and forth between Clair, The Atorrneys Corinthos, and Country Judge, Clair reminds Dante he is under oath and asks who shot him.

Commercials

Courthouse: Dante answers the question by giving a year of background about going to Sonny's, knowing he'd been made. he lies that he took a gun out of Sonny's desk, and it jammed when he loaded it. And then Clair says, "But Detective Falconari, here is the forensic evidence that will be corroborated by 10 other scientists, and it is a physical impossibility that what you say is true. Also, where is this gun, then, if you shot yourself?" Or not really. Really, no one says any of that, and Jax shakes his head sadly.

Kelly's: Robin meets with Stephen. She says Sonny and Jason do awful things, but they also do wonderful things. Robin, no one has ever said anything other than that. But how are Lisa, Patrick and Stephen wrong that it ain't none of yours? She yammers about how she's seen Sonny at his most loving and protective side. Does she understand that if Michael had died when Patrick operated on him, he might have murdered her husband? Or how about how Dante is loving and generous and kind and has saved people's lives left and right, and Sonny was still willing to throw that all away?

Jake's: Patrick angrily throws darts. Lisa shows up to get drunk and let him complain about his wife with her. How about this, Robin? How about this conversation that you are letting happen right now? Is defending Jason and Sonny really more important than your own marriage? Has Patrick not been loving and kind? He has seen you at your actual worst, no? YOU THREW HIS BABY IN A FUCKING TREE, ROBIN, and Patrick not only forgave you, he nurtured you to health. What is the worst thing Sonny's seen you do? Tattle that Sonny and Jason kidnapped AJ"s son? Yet you're such an idiot you don't realize that it was YOU who could forgive THEM for doing that, not vice versa, like they poutingly demanded. It's wrong of Patrick to cheat, if that's what he does. But it's also wrong to choose the side of other men over your husband, over and over again, when that's based on some romanticized view of the past and a serious disrespect of the present. Sorry, just totally mad at Robin today. Lisa speaks in dulcet tones while Patrick drinks his beer, feeling like he comes second place to a hit man....who would kill him if it came to that, by the way. Again, it's wrong if he cheats, but it's even more wrong if he stays in a marriage with someone who feels that way about him. Also, go visit Liz! She's disappearing unless you can get Steve and Audrey to kiss!

Commercials

Jake's: Patrick mutters stuff about Robin, about how she'd keep something from him.. I missed what, but Lisa astutely says that must make him feel shut out. My guess is roughly 75% of marital affairs start out just like this.

Kelly's: Stephen says Patrick doesn't understand her loyalty to Sonny, and he thinks Patrick has a point. Robin repeats that same stupid point that patrick wasn't there and how nice he was to her. She doesn't want to be judged on her past. wtf? But she's ONLY judging Sonny based on his past. If she wants to just use the present: um: RIGHT NOW Sonny is on trial for murder, and he can't get bail b/c he shot a cop.

Stupid Break Out Set: Spinelli and Jason play Chloe and Jack, only without the even more improbable time travel across town.

Courthouse: In recess, Sonny goes to Dante and stands in front of him and holds out his hand. Like he's holding out a delicious ham. Like Dante is soooo lucky that Sonny is going to thank him. Dante stands and says Sonny isn't going to go to prison b/c Dante botched his arrest. "you're going to prison because you killed Claudia." Sonny nods that he knows and says thank you , son.

The judge says he's made his tedious decision.

Also, my phone rang, so I missed a few scenes.

the end

GH 2/25: Flyyyyyy hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, freeeeeeeeebiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiird

2010-02-25T19:57:00Z

Jason's Penthouse: Michael asks Jason how Sonny goes on trial for Claud's murder makes him a better father. Jason says math is really, really hard in this town because 2 + 2 = blow Sonny 4 times, but just trust him...everything Sonny does means he's a better lover, father, mobster, person, humanitarian, despot, butcher, baker or candlestick maker. There is a strict don't ask, don't tell policy in Port Charles. Don't ask why Sonny always wins even when it's illogical, don't tell anyone that you've noticed that Sonny isn't particularly bright, smart, interesting, tough, strong.

Courtroom: Diane and Alexis bicker loudly in the courtroom. Random Attorney Lady tells Country Judge that if they give Sonny bail, they'll never see him again. I will give that judge $120 billion mafia war dollars if he'll make that happen!

Credits

Nurse's station: Heh, Mr. Mad is vacuuming so all I know is that Patrick speaks cockily to Stephen and Lisa, and Robin, that disloyal shrew, openly mocks Patrick in front of Stephen and Lisa. and Lisa probably says something about that time she put one foot in Kevin Bacon's car and the other foot in like...Chris Penn's car I think and dared an 18 wheeler to hit her, all because her dad wouldn't let her dance.

Kelly's: Kristina and Ethan hang out and pretend that statutory rape is not a thing. Sam finds them and is alarmed and asks Ethan why he's encouraging a child who has a crush on him.

Jason's penthouse: Jason gently says that Sonny has been the worst father ever and dove for Kate and not Michael, and ignores his children, and wouldn't recognize his daughter if he bought her a blue gown and let her win at craps, but he wants to take this one risk, that's not at all risky BECAUSE NO ONE IS EVER CONVICTED IN PORT CHARLES, so let Sonny do this, and that will wash away decades of horribleness, and then he'll be a hero just like Capn Sully or firefighters or Haeley Vaughn.

Metrocourt: So, Clair Walsh is a name that's going to be mentioned constantly. She's the new attorney and blah blah Jax thinks she can take down Sonny. even though if you put Sonny in Jason Secret Box of Pain, even Jason wouldn't be able to take him down.

Courtroom: Diane blathers to the judge. Sonny demands that Diane ask for a recess. Alexis and Diane say it's a bad idea. Sonny insists b/c he's going to get out of here. Diane asks to speak to her client. Alexis calls Sonny hotshot and says "you just showed everyone in this court how you roll." This is suspenseful like when Vanna has turned over the letters A L L T H E K I N G S _ E N.

Commercials

Kelly's: Ethan says he's not encouraging Kristina, he's being nice to a messed up kid with daddy issues and a messed up boyfriend. I love that song. Does Shania or Carrie sing it? Kristina comes back and Ethan says he doesn't want to lead her on, and she's a sweet girl, but she's too young. He says no more poker. He leaves, and Kristina blames Sam.

Corinthaus: Sonny calls Jason and says he needs him. Jason tells Max to make sure Michael stays away from the courthouse.

Courtroom: Alexis asks Clair Newby why she was put on the case. She sees Jax and realizes he's behind it. She asks what he's done.

Courthouse: Diane yells at Sonny. Sonny says this recess is the only thing between him and a prison cell, and he's not going.

Dante's room: Dante didn't think the trial would be so soon (he's got a subpoena) Looloo was attacked by a Bedazzler. Robin visits and wants to share something with him about Sonny. My guess is it's not how he took advantage of a brain damaged boy, but rather how he got another young boy to stay in the mob and then was nice to him when he got HIV. "Sure, Dante, maybe Sonny will shoot you from time to time, but he can also be really nice. There's this guy Jerry Jax, and he shot me in the leg once, but because sometimes he's nice to people, I'm his biggest fan and would be so happy to be his daughter."

Johnny and Looloo run into each other, but I missed what he says to her.

Commercials

Courthouse hallway: Diane says she doesn't want to know what he's planning, but she needs him to behave in the courtroom. Jason shows up. Anyway, the stupid thing happening on the show now is that Sonny "I won't abandon my children" Corinthos has remembered, that "oh, wait, nevermind, I totally abandon my children on a regular basis and don't care if I leave them destitute" so he wants to jump bail and leave the country tonight. and he's so annoying and arrogant about it to Jason, as if Jason hasn't been begging him to do that very thing.

Kelly's: Kristina tells Sam she's not a baby, and she had no right to chase Ethan away, and she'll never be able to forgive her. The irony that she's acting like a spoiled child, is of course, totally lost on her, as the irony of their obnoxiousness is often lost on 16 year old girls.

GH: Johnny says that regardless what happens in court, he's gonna get what's coming to him really soon.

Dante's room: Robin shows Dante a picture of her and Stone. Does she just carry that around? Kind of morbid. Robin explains how two young children finding out they were HIV positive was really kind of magical and romantic b/c Sonny was so nice about it all. Those were the days. I naively believed that a character as complex and interesting as Sonny was capable of growth and change. Robin says that Sonny bought the right to be though of as a good man because he donated money for the AIDS wing. "That's who Sonny is" she says. Patrick, meanwhile, eaveslurks and bursts angrily into the room asking to speak to her. She wipes the Kool-Aid mustache off and follows him to the hall, while Dante contemplates that really, doesn't the world need more cop and wife killers, if they'll also be nice to people who they like?

Commercials

Court Hall: Sonny whines that going to prison was never in the bargain. I can't bear how weak and lame Sonny is, now that Robin's reminded me of how much I used to love him. Shut up, Stupid weak ass shadow of Sonny.

Court hall: Jax berates Alexis for flying the Sonny banner. Alexis whines that Sonny is K's father, and she has daddy issues. Jax thinks all the more reason Sonny goes to prison. Clair and Alexis talk, and Clair believes she has more ammo for her case

Haunted Star: Johnny and Ethan get all conspire-y.

Corinthaus: Max tries to distract Michael with March Madness picks, but Michael shuts him down. Kristina stops by and is annoyed that Michael is still taking their dad's side and wanting to confess for killing Claud. She points out that Sonny is boring and lame and always wins to the point that it's clownish, so just let him take the hit for this one thing this one time.

Nurse's station: Patrick lets Robin have it for using Stone's memory, not to do anything for Dante, but to defend and help Sonny. Robin says she did do it for Sonny, but she doesn't see why Dante should feel guilty for hurting Sonny. Patrick snaps that it's none of her business. Word, Patrick. Now divorce that annoying dreck of a person, and go rescue your true love from Shadybrook!

Dante's room: Loo shows up with court clothes for Dante. He tells her about Robin's story of Stone and the romantical HIV wing, and now he's conflicted.

Commercials

Jason's Penthouse: Jason and Sam gossip about how blah blah Sonny's bail may be revoked and Jason is going to break him out.

Courtroom: Diane argues that Sonny's ties are here, and he's close to his 4 children. Alexis mutters something and pisses off the judge.

Haunted Star: Ethan says he gets that Johnny wants payback for what Sonny did to Claud. He understands b/c even though he's known Looloo for a year, he would want to kill anyone who hurt her. Johnny says Sonny in prison is not good enough. He wants to take away everything that matters to him "and that starts and ends with his power" He wants him to end up in prison, or maybe crazy, but definitely alone.

Dante's Room: Dante is dressed for court. Patrick shows up and signs Dante's discharge papers. Dante says he thought Patrick is friends with Sonny. Patrick says he used to be friends with him. He says it's none of his business. Looloo says that's refreshing. Patrick says Dante needs to do whatever he needs to live with himself.

Nurse's Station: Dante and Loo go to the elevator, and Stephen says he hasn't signed off on his release. dante says Patrick took care of it. Robin is indignant. She says he just wanted him out of the hospital so he could testify against Sonny. Patrick nods angrily and says "yeah! That too." Robin is sad that she married a man who doesn't love murderers the way she loves murderers. Which makes sense as every single day of her life is a miracle. It makes sense that she chooses to be loyal to people who callously end life as part of their daily routine. Like returning emails is to me.

Commercials

Jason's Penthouse: Sam and Jason are going to work together to bust Sonny out. I foresee a cheesy hooker wig!

Haunted Star: Johnny asks Ethan if he's in to go after Sonny. Um, why the hell would Ethan care enough to want to kill Sonny? for cash? gross!

Nurse's Station: Robin snaps that Patrick tried to undermine her. He says "didn't try. I did." heh. Patrick points out that no matter who else Sonny has been polite to, he shot an unarmed man, point blank. Robin mutters something, and Patrick repeats it's not her business. It's Dante's choice. He storms off while Robin shakes her head in disgust.

Court House: Clair makes claims that Sonny is ruthless,self serving, and his plans don't include a life sentence in prison, and he will run the first chance. Dante and Looloo show up. Clair says Dante is here to outline Sonny's off shore holdings. Sonny shakes his head, disgusted, all "geeze, shoot a person one time..."

the end

Thanks for reading!

GH 2/23: Snob job

2010-02-23T20:00:00Z

This is a sentence I have never before written, except perhaps in fiction. It has been snowing for hours. I've never typed those words. It's stopped and left a couple of inches on the ground.

Olivia's Chocolate Apartment: Olivia and Johnny stir from their floor sex stupor, and he gives her a necklace.

Pier: Jason and Lucky have a pissing contest about finding The Danger first.

Credits. Hey, I just now noticed the credits are new. I have to giggle that the picture of Wyndermere is only slightly less cartoonish than the one I use as a joke.

Credits

I meant to write "snow job" for the title. But "snob job" works just as well.

Pier: Jason and Lucky growl at each other about finding bad guys, or whatever. Whatever. At least they aren't Nik.

Olivia's: Olivia is concerned that Johnny doesn't have money for the necklace, but he says he's a Z, and money has never been an object. She points out that he cut himself off and that it was a problem for 12 minutes before he suddenly had enough capital to open a garage. I think he got it from selling his hair and his pocket watch.

Haunted Star: Tracy is annoyed, as she often is. She thinks Luke and Ethan aren't telling her something, as they often aren't. Luke and Ethan enjoy teasing Tracy and amusing each other by getting schticky.

Dante's Room: Maxie shows up to ask Dante about his intentions towards Looloo. She wants to know how many times he's been in love, had a serious relationship or cheated. Dante says he'll talk about this with Looloo if she asks. She insists she wants to know. She says he's really good at lying and convincing Looloo that she's his one and only, and that sort of thing reminds her a lot of his father. He's been good naturedly annoyed up to this point, but his eyes grow dark and he warns her not to compare him to Sonny.

Commercials

Dante's room: Dante insists his relation to Sonny is an accident of genetics, and his life is a road map on how not to behave. Maxie gets pensive and philosophical and says she has a lot of anger towards her mother, but she has to admit they are a lot alike. Kind of awesome once upon a time but then increasingly annoying with each passing year? Yep, that's sounds about right.

Lakehouse: Alexis takes a call from Keifer and Kristina signals she doesn't want to talk. Alexis asks what's up, and Kristiina plays it cool, saying nothing is wrong, she just wants to take a break from Keifer. Diane visits at this moment. K makes herself scarce but tells Diane as she leaves "by the way, I hope you lose this time. My dad deserves to rot in prison." If one of Sonny's children falls in the woods, but she's only a girl, does she really make a sound?

Olivia's Chocolate Apartment: Olivia and Johnny sit around on the floor wearing nothing but her new necklace, a blanket and a couple of bowls of pasta. If there were harps, I'd assume they were in heaven. Olivia says having all the secrets and the lies gone from their lives feels pretty good. I think the problem here is that Johnny believes he's disclosed to Olivia that he's a Z again, but she doesn't know. So there's still blah blah betrayal looming. But for now, they sure are pretty together.

Jason's Penthouse: Spinelli is suprisingly adorable in a dorky as hell argyle sweater vest. Sometimes you just gotta let your geek flag fly. He tells Sam something about impending testimony and how she could end up being charged with perjury. I will give Sam this, she truly seems to have found a very zen place. I think it's gross and wrong to be an apologist for a murderer, but I can't argue the woman seems at peace with it and shrugs as if this latest risk is just more cool beans. Jason shows up all hurried and anxious and needs help with The Danger.

Commercials

Lakehouse: Diane and Alexis gossip about Diane's newest law firm. She's trying to phase Sonny out as a client it sounds and focus on celebrities like Kate. "Who the hell is Kate?" Alexis should ask. But she doesn't. Diane wants Alexis, as an experienced attorney and as Kristina's mother, to convince Sonny that he has to stick to his original statement that he had nothing to do with Claud's death.

Dante's room: Dante and Maxie was philosophic about nature vs nurture. He says regardless of who his father is, he learned a lot by watching how Olivia was treated as a single mom. He says you don't string a woman along until you've gotten what you want, you don't tell someone you love them unless you mean it. He seems sincere enough that Maxie lets up, but she leaves reiterating that he better not be messing with Looloo.

Haunted Star: Loo, Tracy, Luke and Ethan gossip about Looloo's love life. Tracy is lovingly worried in that angry way she has. Looloo says she's making her own decision. She stomps at Tracy and says she really does appreciate Tracy's concerns, but she doesn't want to keep discussing this b/c she's made up her mind. There's not really an argument for that, so Tracy is speechless. Lucky shows up and Loo snaps at him that it's his turn to get in her face about Dante. He looks at her quizzically and says he wishes her well b/c he likes Dante. It's looloo's turn to be speechless, so she gives him a hug and leaves.

Jason's Penthouse: Spinelli and Sam gossip about how Johnny has made the "unfortunate" choice to believe their should be consequences for chopping off someone's head and leaving her to rot in an unmarked and unprayed over grave. They worry there will be dire consequences for him. Because there isn't gravity in Port Charles. There is no cause and effect. It's more like a system of magnets. Consequences and Sonny/Jason have opposing polarities, so they will always bounce off each other. No matter what. Consequences and Sonny/Jason's enemies have attracting polarity. So even if Sonny/Jason did the wrong thing, the consequences are still only attracted to their enemies. And then Sonny/Jason bang their enemy's girl.

Commercials

Jason's Penthouse: Maxie tells Spinelli how she's been butting into Loo's love life. Spinelli thinks they have to let her make her own choices. Maxie says she knows how hard it is for Loo to put herself out there, and she doesn't want her to be hurt. Then they talk about how much fun it is to find your soul mate and the love of their lives, and they kiss.

Lakehouse: Diane says she plans to argue that Sonny found Claud waving a gun at Carly and the baby. Alexis says the problem with that plan is that they'll call Carly to the stand, and she's arrogant and unpredictable, and you can't count on her. Also, sometimes she shoots people in open court. Dont' forget that! Diane shows off her new bag and shoes before she leaves. She really needs galoshes b/c those shoes are gonna get ruined in the snow.

Haunted Star: Lucky wants to know more about the shoot out at the pier. Ethan and Luke stale mate. This time, though, when Lucky leaves, Luke smiles fondly after him, as though he's at least proud his son loves his job, even if it's a terrible job like raping puppies with kittens, or being a cop, or whatever horrible thing it is that Lucky does.

Dante's room: Loo visits and admits that Maxie's warnings about how terribly Sonny treats women got to her. That she's seen what Carly has been through over and over again. Dante says she's concerned that he'll be the same. But really? Really Maxie and Looloo can't recognize that mostly Carly and Sonny's problems is the whole part about how he murders people for a living and conversely that murdering him or his family could boost profits for someone else? I mean, yes, clearly both Looloo and Dante have about 3 children that they've either forgotten about or don't know they have, so they will have to deal with that, like all couples do. Just like they'll have to deal with one of their long lost loves coming back from the dead, some love that neither of them have ever spoken a word about, but will suddenly have loved more than anything. Also, Sonny and Carly's biggest problem is that they loathe each other as much as they love each other. I don't see Looloo and Dante having hate sex, so I don't get the comparison.

Commercials

Dante's room: Loo says she's relationship challenged, adn she keeps expecting this not to last b/c nothing ever has. Dante says he'll teach her all the tells of a liar taking a lie detector test, and she'll give him one. This idea amuses her, but she asks what if he lies about the tells. He smiles broadly.

Olivia's Chocolate Apartment: Oh, I forgot to mention that Jason showed up before and threw some hunk of something at Johnny, saying he left it on the pier when he stole their shipment earlier. Now Jason is gone, Johnny is hurriedly dressing, Olivia is still wearing a blanket. She wants him to take the necklace back and she's so over the mob. He says he has to take care of business, so they can decide what to do about them later.

Pier: I don't know if this is really what happened, but what would be interesting is if before when Lucky and Jason were talking about the shoot out, they both had their suspicions about who was involved but refused to share with the other b/c of testosterone or Elizabeth or whatever. Now Lucky has spoken to Ethan and Jason to Johnny. Lucky thinks Ethan knows something but isn't talking. he tells Jason that if he suspects Ethan, he needs to let him know. Jason seems confused by this and says it wasn't Ethan, it was Johnny.

Commercials

Haunted Star: Ethan and Luke continue yammering about Ethan's involvement with The Danger. Luke cautions about proceeding with caution when getting involved with the mob. Luke is a little drunk, so he may be worried that Ethan will get pregnant. Luke thinks Ethan is a man with talent, and he'll use that. At first, I think he's saying that Ethan is too good for the mob and should use his talents more productively. NOPE! Not at all what he's saying. He's saying he knows Ethan is going to get involved in the nonsense, and to be careful. nd to pick the side that's going to win. He actually does say that, and we all know what that's code for. I'll give you three guesses, and it ain't Ric, Lorenzo or Helena.

Statesville: Johnny visits his dad and wants advice on making Sonny pay.

Pier: Blah blah, Lucky and Jason are going to team up to stop Johnny Z b/c it's totally okay to go around chopping people's heads off and shooting cops, but it's unbearable that another gangster might do gangstery stuff. and seriously, Lucky, you just told your sister that you like Dante, and I have every reason to assume you meant that. and this jackass that you're conspiring with WAS GOING TO MURDER A FELLOW COP. A cop who saved your sister's life. Who may be the father of your future nieces and nephews. Did I mention HE'S A COP? Liz, he can't possibly forgive, even though he's cheated on her...including with her sibling. But forgiving cop killing mobsters? As easy as saying "poor me" for this guy.

the end

As always, thanks for reading!

GH 2/22: Don't talk about your father like that. He's agreed not to kill you afterall!

2010-02-22T16:02:00Z

Apparently the roads in Port Charles were designed by the guy who builds motocross tracks. I imagine they consist of nothing but hairpin turns and any straight away is a series of blind hills and every once in awhile there's a loop like the Shock Wave.
I don't understand the harrowing music that plays or why anyone is ever surprised when headlights suddenly appear in front of them. These people have car wrecks more often than they floss.

Corinthaus: Olivia blathers that she sees how Michael loves his other kids. I need someone to define love for me because I don't think it means what these people think it means. Sonny says she has to help him with Dante b/c he's a stranger to his son.

Rooftop: Dante yammers to Jason about how Sonny has a sentimental attachment to him. He assumes that Sonny told Jason not to kill him. Jason nods, morosely. The joke's on you, Jason, because mean old Franco already took away the one love you will ever know. Killing people. Dante says once Sonny is in jail, Jason will be free to go after him. Jason, get this...Jason says that Dante should be more grateful to Sonny for not killing him. Yes, he said that. and yes, both Dante and I have to force our heads not to explode. Dante is all "are you freaking KIDDING me that I should be grateful to someone who shot me?" Jason actually says that Dante should show gratitude and respect for his father. But Liz is in the asylum. and Jason is not.

Speaking of asylums: Nik stands there in his gross, shiny suit. I watched part of Analyze This over the weekend, and this suit reminds me Billy Crystal being handed a suit and asking "Is this made of chrome? I can see my reflection in it." Nik stands there, shiny and gross, with his aggravating overcoat folded over his aggravating beefy arm. He says he loves her.

Long and Winding Road: So the pointless wreck over. Maxie hops out, unscathed and starts yelling at the other car because she's a jackass who texts and drives and blames other people for the accidents she causes. Lucky has a bump on his head, and his airbag deployed but he's fine. What a completely stupid plot point this is. They hop out of the car and go gallavanting to the hospital. To go be pointless in a new location, I guess.

Credits

Corinthaus: Olivia says that because Sonny shot him, he doesn't get a vote in this. Sonny angrily says he wouldn't have done that if he knew Dante was his son. Olivia says she regrets letting the investigation going on as long as it did, but she will never regret keeping Dante out of Sonny's world. The proof she has that she did the right thing is that Dante is a good and decent man. She leaves Sonny to sulk.

Rooftop: 'xcuse me, I've gotta wrap my head in duct tape to keep it from exploding. Jason continues to be all angry at Dante because he lied. Dante shrugs and guesses he's just good at his job. Because that's really what Jason is angry about. He doesn't care that Dante lied. He cares that he and Sonny are The Worst Mobsters Ever and time and time again gave Dante more chances and stood up for him and believed him. Dante points out that Sonny must not have really grown to like him all that much because he put a hole in Dante's chest. Jason asks what else he thought would happen when he went into someone's house and was really a cop. Dante asks if Jason would have shot him, if he'd been there instead of Sonny. Looloo says she'd like to know the answer.

Commercials

Rooftop: Looloo, please change out of that horrible dress. She yells at Jason that she finally noticed that Sonny is actually kind of gross and the politeness is fake as hell. Jason insists that Sonny tries to be nice. When did Jason become a complete and total numbskull? Dante says he doesn't want Sonny's protection. Jason says he'd planned on killing Dante himself because he's a "rat cop" That doesn't make any sense. I mean, sure, Jason's got a point that an undercover cop can expect he'll be murdered if he's found out. But Jason is a numbskull that he doesn't get that the other side of that coin is that if you're a mobster you should assume there are cops trying to arrest you. Jason leaves, brimming with self-righteous indignation. It is not a good color on him.

Maxilu's: For some reason Lucky and Maxie went to Maxie's place instead of a hospital. I guess she wants him to bleed all over her living room?

Shadybrook: Nik and his aggravating coat tell Liz that he wants to be with her and doesn't their baby deserve two parents who love each other. She bitchfaces that she hopes he's not such a dum dum that he thought this baby would bring them together.

Commercials

Maxilu's: Lucky speaks to a wrecker and arranges for his car to be picked up. I'm sure the wrecker says "well, I'm backed up through March picking up the cars strewn in ditches about town. Have any of you ever thought about public transit" Maxie brings Lucky some OJ, and they proceed to have a pointless, boring conversation about Liz's pregnancy and affair and not know who the dad is. He says she checked herself into Shadybrook. Once again, Maxie just nods like this is normal instead of saying, 'wait, what? What part of the story are you not telling me for her to do something so extreme?" He says Liz asked him to forgive her. blah blah rages rises up in him, and he feels it's going to kill him. Maxie says Lucky should start being truthful.

Haunted Star: Ethan, Luke and Tracy gossip about Sonny. I guess this is about that pointless scene with Max and Milo and Johnny playing paint gun. Tracy wants Luke to distance himself from Sonny. Johnny shows up with an obnoxious roll of bills and says he wants to play blackjack and for Ethan to deal.

Corinthaus: Sonny tells Jason about the shooting. Apparently no one knows that Johnny was the shooter. Even though they were standing 10 feet from each other, and they have eyes, and Johnny's face was not hidden. Sonny thinks The Danger might be The Escobars.

Dante's room: Loo and Dante go back to his room. He says if Sonny gets convicted, that's what he deserves.

Commercials

Haunted Star: Luke makes some sort of deal with someone regarding Cuban cigars. Tracy wants to talk about how Looloo is in danger by being with Dante b/c of the Sonny connection. Luke says Sonny didn't raise Dante. Tracy scoffs that Luke didn't raise Ethan, but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Johnny loses a bunch of money, but he says something about infringing on Sonny's territory.

Corinthaus: Jason says that Sonny has made Dante untouchable and thus twice as dangerous. He's a cop with inside info on them. Sonny sticks his fingers in his ears and says he can't hear him.

Shadybrook: Liz comes back with her therapy session, after which her doctor and the billing department presumably had a long conversation trying to figure out how the heck to bill Liz's insurance company because most insurance companies barely cover legitimate mental illness, much less "hadashittyday-itis" Nik is still there, much to her chagrin. She sits on her bed and complains that Helena thinks the baby is his, and she's already said she's going to groom this baby to take over the Cassadine inheritance. All eight-two dollars and 38 cents, huh. Haven't these idiots been bankrupt a dozen times and then magically were rich again, but put all their money into a hospital that's plagued with fires and monkey pox and only has 3 doctors and 2 nurses, and one of those nurses takes 40 hour breaks? He wants a paternity test as soon as possible and as soon as she agrees.

Commercials

.Shadybrook: Liz yells at Nik for pressuring her, and he gets all wimpy and namby pamby about it and apologizes. I really can't imagine what these two could do that would make them less palatable as a couple to me. She throws him out, and he slinks away.

Olivia's Chocolate Apartment: Johnny shows up, feeling alive like risk taking will make one feel. He tells her she's the only thing he cares about, he loves her and he wants to be with her. They kiss in strange fits.

Haunted Star: Luke notices Ethan's winnings he got from Johnny and suspects something is up.

Dante's room: Sonny shows up to make another plea to Dante about being father and son. I wonder if Abraham had a hard time winning Isaac over back in the day. "Son, apple of my eye, I won't be stabbing you in the heart afterall, so what say we pack a picnic and go watch a stoning this weekend?" The bible never says, but I've always wondered if Isaac didn't say "I want to live with mom"

Commercials

Haunted Star: Ethan says the shootout he walked into on the pier, Johnny was the target. Ethan says Johnny was grateful that his diversion allowed Johnny to escape. He's happy about his reward.

Pier: Foghorn guy greets Jason and Lucky while the buoy clangs merrily. Lucky assures Jason that he's going back on the wagon and will make sure the boys have at least one stable parent. Jason thanks him for that. Lucky thinks someone is trying to start a The Danger, and they should work together to bring him down. Jason agrees.

Olivia's Chocolate Apartment: Johnny and Olivia giggle and remove each others clothes hastily.

Maxilu's: Loo tells Maxie she's conflicted b/c she doesn't want to bash Sonny to Dante, but she can't help it. Yep, that's sort of the price scumbags have to pay.

Dante's room: Dante tells Sonny that everything he is is garbage. He tells Sonny to stop, that a line's been drawn, and he doesn't want either of them to cross it. Sonny listens a bit tearfully and then says that this anger, this inability to forgive...he knocks his chest with his fist....and says it's just like him. He leaves. Yes, not forgiving someone for wearing a wire, when she was certain it was moot if she wore a wire b/c you'd lied to her a hundred times that you weren't a mobster is totally the same thing as not forgiving someone for not even being man enough to look you in the eye when he shot you to death.

the end

Thanks for reading, my little dumplings!

GH 2/19: Party like it's 1899!

2010-02-19T16:01:00Z

Guza clearly misses the good old days before the 19th amendment. Have you ever read his screenplay, Suffering Suffragettes? Lecretia Mott is the villain, and everyone dies in a monkey pox firequake at Seneca Falls.

Previously on General Hospital, Liz, Lucky and Nik went 88 miles per hour in Nik's DeLorean and ended up in Victorian Port Charles when the common opinion was that a woman's womb wandered around her body and that madness was associated with menstruation, pregnancy and menopause, and the treatment was basically solitary confinement. Unfortunately, during their time travel, they inadvertently prevented Stavros from raping Laura! Now Lucky and Nik must race against time to not only cure Liz of her madness of sexual desire, but to get Stavros to rape their mother again, or Nik will never be born! Watch the power of love, weekdays at 3pm eastern/2pm central, here on ABC!

Wyndermere: Idiot Nik is angry at Luke for being angry that Helena is in town and no one told him. Even though he knows that his crazy granny often tries to kill people he loves, he's bizarrely angry at Luke for being upset about that fact. Everyone is crazy but Liz is what I think.

Victorian Port Charles: Lucky has his gun trained on Helena, who continues to find it delightful that Liz is going to be treated with leeches later and is pregnant with the Cassadine heir. Because why shouldn't she also ignore Lil Homer and only care about this new baby?

Credits

Victorian Port Charles: Lucky sniffles that he may be the father. Helena says the way Liz and Nik were rutting all over Wyndermere, Lucky's chances are low. She says the LL2 love has been dead for a long time. Liz shouts that Helena is wrong. Helena says that the baby is a Cassadine responsibility. She says at some point, Liz will probably whore herself out to the next Mr. Wonderful, and then she'll got back to Lucky. Lucky is all angry about this, as if this isn't exactly what he's been bellowing for days. Helena laughs at the gun and tells Liz to take care. She leaves, and Liz collapses into Lucky's arms, sobbing.

Wyndermere: Luke says that Lucky didn't deserve this and that Nik is always looking for a woman to save him from himself. He says if Nik or Helena messes with his family....He pauses menacingly. But seriously, you'll what, Luke? Go do a play in another country for 6 months? I'm sure Nik is so scared.

Dante's room: Carly is still yammering to Dante that he lied for months to her and her kids, so there's no reason why he can't lie on the stand. Because pretending to be a thug whilst undercover is a bad thing, but shooting cops is not. Dante insists that Michael and Morgan will be better off without him. She yells that she should bring morgan and Michael here for him to tell them that to their face. He's totally bored by this threat and says she can do what she's gotta do. She cries that Sonny won't last b/c he has so many enemies. Basically she's saying "my husband has murdered and screwed over so many people, and he shoots cops, so the guards won't protect him, and he's made this horrible bed of murder and crime, and it's not fair that there be consequences. He's never been willing to change or compromise one single time in his entire life in order to help anyone, but won't you please compromise your integrity for him now?" Olivia shows up and barks at Carly not to tell her son to lie.

Commercials

Corinthaus: Sonny tells Jason of his plan to claim self defense. This way Michael won't be under suspicion, and Dante gets his bust, and hopefully someday he'll forgive him. This whole vomity thing about Sonny being a good man who just kills people because he's different is different is so goofy. Now this added layer that somehow Sonny is doing a noble thing irks me.

But the really vomity thing is Carly's defense of Sonny in all of this. In Robert Guza's screenplay: PG&E:Their Side of the Story,Guza tells the story of Erin Brockovich from PG&E's point of view. Erin herself is sent to an insane asylum on page 4 when it's revealedthat she is an unmarried mother and enjoys sex.    The character thatMarg Helgenberger played in the original film gives a passionate speechon page 62 in which she explains to the other citizens of Hinkley thatPG&E is actually good at heart.
"They aren't perfect, but theyreally love their children. They live by a personal code that isdifferent from other people's. Are you suggesting we make it illegalto be different?   Their personal code says that as long as they areturning a profit, and their children are healthy, then anything andeverything else they do is morally acceptable. Poisoning our watersupply didn't have an adverse effect on their children, so how can wejudge them for doing it? Also, if they learned that one of us here inHinkley was actually their child, they'd feel really, reallybad about poisoning that person, and they'd immediately stop poisoninghim or her!   Because poisoning us didn't go against their personalcode of making money and keeping their kids safe, how can we ask themto stop? Sure, here in Hinkley we choose not to poison people to turna profit, but what if PG&E asked us to stop not poisoning people? Would that be fair? Then how can we ask them to do something wewouldn't want for ourselves?"

Carly and Olivia yell at each other. Carly has herself convinced that she's protecting her children, thus anything and everything else she does is fine, and she has the right to demand anything of anyone to that end. Carly leaves and Dante angrily says that Olivia wants everyone else to tell the truth while she keeps lying. No idea what that means.

Victorian Port Charles: Liz cries that Helena was right. Lucky speaks to Liz like she's standing on a ledge, with a noose around her neck, a gun in her mouth, and a razor blade at her wrist.

Commercials

Dante's room: Olivia tries to calm herself down. Dante obnoxiously says that at least Carly never lied to her kids about who Sonny is. What if the blue blazes does that have to do with anything? Olivia shares my contempt for that statement by bellowing "and look how well that's turned out for everyone?" She points out that all of Sonny's kids have lived in little else but tumult their entire short lives. Dante says it was hard growing up believing his mom was the town slut when in reality she never brought a man home. She says she didn't treasure being thought of that way, but he didn't grow up with violence. That the Falconaries are poor, but they are good and decent, they go to church, they eat dinner together every night, they may get a little drunk at Christmas, but Dante had good people who loved him around him his whole life.

Haunted Star: Ethan breaks the news to Looloo that Liz is pregnant. Luke and Ethan switch places. Loo says she's worried that Lucky will take responsibility for the mess Liz and Nik created, and he'll be the one who tries to fix it. Luke gently says this is not her business.

Victorian Port Charles: Lucky and Liz coo to each other lovingly. WTF IS GOING ON NOW? They've been unbearably cruel to each other, but now they are just cooing lovingly? Have they both been getting electro shock therapy...er...wait...it's Victorian times. I guess the equivalent would have been blood lettings by the barber? He says she self sabatoges herself when she's close to getting what she wants. When does she do that? oh, he must mean when he slept with Maxie....that Liz sabatoged their relationship? I guess he's saying he only slept with her sister because she self sabotaged him into doing it? He says he'll always love her, and she asks if this means he forgives her.

Commercials

GH: Jason finds Carly and she explains how she's begged Dante to compromise his integrity to protect Sonny from having never compromised anything. Jason isn't sure this plan will work.

Wyndermere: helena shows up full of mirth and learns that Luke visited. She laughs cruelly and says she misses Luke. Helena says she warned him not to get involved with Liz. She's so happy about it, though. Like when I was tiny and wanted to eat an orange, and my mom said she had to peel it first, and I stomped and pouted and said I wanted it now, so she laughed and handed me the unpeeled orange and watched me bite into the horrible, bitter exterior and then be forced to either admit I was wrong and let her peel it or pretend I had wanted to eat orange peel and suffer through it. I don't remember how I handled it, but one of my first memories is biting into an unpeeled orange while everyone laughed at the funny baby grimace I made. Helena laughs at Nik now because he's still a toddler when it comes to being cruel and evil, and it delights her to watch him teeter around it and make mistakes and bite into a trollop instead of someone she carefully prepped for him and handed to him on a platter.

Victorian Port Charles: So Liz is insane and weak because liking sex and being pregnant are things crazy people do. Lucky knows this, so he lies to her that he's forgiven her. Because it was so mean of her to lie to him about her feelings because she's just a woman who shouldn't even have the right to vote, but it's noble and awesome of him to lie to her about his feelings because he's got a penis. Or something like that. Stupid effing show.

Commercials

Haunted Star: Helena visits Luke. They share murderous pleasantries. he warns that if he harms Lucky, he'll make her pay. She purrs lovingly that she's missed him so much. heh. She says that if the baby is Nik's, the Lucky will be free. Luke asks how much easier it would be if he snapped her neck. She shrugs elegantly and says it's always an option. She says that really, she and he are on the same side. They toast, but Luke continues to glare at her.

GH: I think Carly and Jason have decided that Sonny will have to leave the country afterall. Jason says then they'll try to keep Michael safe and from confessing. (how is that plan any less risky for Michael than Jax's plan?) Carly says she wants to know what Jason will do, will he take over The Business. Jason says he'll have to. Carly asks about Dante. Jason says he'll come after him. Carly points out that Dante is a cop, and he's sonny's son, so how can Jason stop him. oh, and what she's saying there? Is that if Dante were just a cop, then Jason would take care of him by killing him. Nice, right?

Dante's room: Loo shows up to find Dante's bed empty.

Corinthaus: Sonny yells at Olivia that she lied to him, and she needs to own up to it. She says that if he weren't the sort of vermin who shoots cops, she wouldn't have lied. Or not really. She just stares at him.

Commercials

Alley: Milo and Max shoot at Dante, and vice versa. Ethan walks up and laughs, like they are playing paint ball and tells them to stop. I think I hallucinated that.

Corinthaus: Sonny says that Olivia should have told him the truth. She says this was hardly a casual decision. He bellows that he never got to be with his kid as he grew up, be close to him, play baseball. (oddly, he doesn't add "dive for my lover when someone tried to kill him" or "encourage him to kill people") Olivia cries that she was so in love with Sonny, but she knew he was bad for her son, and she thinks she made a damn good call. Sonny asks "for who? for you?" NO JACKASS, FOR DANTE, YOU SON. OMG. SHE'S SAYING SHE MADE A GOOD CALL FOR YOUR SON.   But Sonny the Narcissist points out that it wasn't good for him, thus it wasn't good.

Rooftop: Dante stands on the roof. That's weird. He's neither pregnant nor slutty. I think this must be a mistake in editing. Jason shows up and Dante yammers about hospitals.

Victorian Port Charles: Liz sits in her laurachair. She says she regrets everything. Nik says he still loves her.

Lucky drives down the road, crying and speeding. totally sane. Maxie drives down the road and drives and texts. Apparently they are both doing this without their headlights on b/c suddenly they are shocked to see the other on the road, and they swerve.

the end

GH 2/18: The show is pre-empted today for a local news story

2010-02-18T20:02:00Z

If anyone stops by today, a plane has crashed in a building in Austin, and local news coverage will clearly continue for the next several hours.

It's startling to me because I once worked in that building. More alarming still a dear friend of mine was driving by at the time of the impact. I shudder to think if the plane had landed on the busy highway that runs next to this building.

If you haven't heard about it yet you will. Apparently a deeply troubled man purposefully flew his small plane into a building where the IRS has offices. Reports of arguments between the pilot and his wife. She and her daughter left the home in the middle of the night to stay at a hotel, and their family home was engulfed in flames by morning, just a few hours before the plane crash. Your favorite news station will be happy to read you, ad nauseum, the disturbing manifesto this man put on his website.

Miraculously, there are no fatalities reported at this time, other than, presumably the pilot.

GH 2/17: Doctor, our girlfriend won't commit, so we'd like to have her committed.

2010-02-17T19:57:00Z

Corinthaus: Diane visits Sonny, but he wants to go meet Dante. Diane says she has to defend him against a murder charge that takes energy as well.

Dante's room: Dante tries to get out of bed. Raynor visits and says that Dante will testify against his father.

Haunted Star: Luke greets Tracy, very happy about all the money they made last night. Tracy is grim and bluntly says that Liz is pregnant.

Liz's Room: Liz, a grown ass woman, mother of two, registered nurse, foolishly sits and plans to go home and make a cup of tea and start making plans for her new baby. Why would she think she should get to do that? It's like she's forgotten that she's a woman and that to make decisions a woman must first consult her macho dickhead brother and her jerkweed boyfriends.

Credits

Liz's room: Liz continues to be under the impression that she kills people for a living, or drinks excessively, or plots to drive young women insane and is thus perfectly capable of coming and going as she pleases. I've never realized how insane Liz is until those three macho dickheads made it clear. Lucky explains how the Wonderful Macho Dickheads in her life have conspired with her doctors to have her committed b/c only insane people get fired from their jobs by one boyfriend b/c she was sad b/c her other boyfriend had called her a tuna muffin cooze. It's not acceptable behavior to be sad for any amount of time, unless you are walking around drinking like a fish like Lucky has been doing, or walking around with expressionless boredom that you hope looks like angst, like Nik has been doing. Nevermind that neither man has spent 14 seconds with their children in a months. All that matters is that they never did the insane thing of needing some air when they got life changing news. If Helena knew, even she'd start getting stabby about how idiotic, patronizing and misogynistic this storyline has become.

Dante's Room: Raynor threatens Dante, but Olvia shows up and gives a mama bear diatribe that ends with her demoting him to assistant dog catcher if he doesn't back off. Dante is amused.

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Dante's room: Dante and Olivia have some fun taunting Raynor about how she's excellent with follow through. He gets tired of being the dork in the keep away game, so like all dorks who dream of being bullies, he tells Olivia that she's a witness in the Claudia Corinthos murder case. For some reason, this is news to her.

GH: Patrick and Robin are bickering today. Lisa shows up to be annoying. and that pointless scene ends.

Liz's room: Liz cries that she doesn't deserve to be taken away from her boys.
Out in the Hall WMD's Stephen and Nik gossip about how it would be so much easier if women got hysterectomies, so they could better control their emotions. Also, you could have sex with them as much as you want without pregnancy. If you were efficient, all you really need are a few hundred thousand breeders to propagate the species. Macho dickhead Stephen says it's important that Lucky be the one to tell Liz that they are committing her because otherwise she'll see him as someone who can save her, and she needs to understand that he's evil. or some such a bunch of bs like that.

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GH: Stephen finds Robin and asks her to keep a secret. She hilariously says "of course" Oh, brudder. Stephen fills her in that he and the other WMD's in Liz's life are having her committed. At this moment, Lisa and Patrick loudly cavort at the nurse's station and Lisa reveals that she slept with a Nascar driver. Stephen gulps and Robin nods, and they grab a giant Crazy Slut Net and put it around Lisa too because she's clearly insane too. Or not really, really, Robin skeedaddles over to instantly break her promise to Stephen and gossip to Patrick that Liz needs their help.

Dante's room: Looloo and her red lipstick stop by for a visit. Dante laments that Raynor is going to use Olivia and his being Sonny's kid to destroy Sonny on the stand.

Liz's room: Liz remains angry and adamant that she's not crazy. Nik comes in because Lucky wasn't being patronizing enough on his own. blah blah blah, too stupid to believe. She eventually concedes and bitchfaces them that she's not doing this for them or herself, but for her kids.

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Haunted Star: OH MY GOD NOW SONNY AND LUKE ARE TALKING ABOUT LIZ AS IF SHE'S AN INVALID WHO NEEDS 24 HOUR AROUND THE CLOCK MEDICAL ATTENTION. And they are totally talking about how she's crazy b/c she slept with two people. They aren't saying she's suicidal. They're saying she's freaked out that she could be on Maury Povich. It's hardly earth shattering. It's not even glass shattering. It wouldn't bend a paperclip. Sonny says he takes his meds, and he's getting by. Why does everyone suddenly talk about Liz like they think it makes sense that she's being committed? I get if that maybe there should be some sort of 48 hour period of observation to see if she's suicidal. I would get that. But that's not what anyone is talking about. Suddenly Liz is just big, fat, Heather Webber crazy and has been her entire life and finally she's getting some help. It's beyond bizarre how everyone just says "oh, Liz is being committed, well I wish her the best." and no one is saying "what the f#@k are you talking about? That nurse who paints? If she's insane, then we're all, all of us, insane."

Dante's room: Looloo is wearing a very trampy dress. Better not let her brother see that outfit, unless she wants to be sedated. Dante remains worried about his mom and what role he'll play in Sonny's trial.

Liz's room: Robin visits Lizzy Dahmer, though of course, she carries a stun gun b/c you never know what Insane Liz will do next. Liz has resigned herself that she needs help. That's the saddest part. That even Liz thinks she's crazy. I'm hoping all of this means Rebecca Herbst is going on some fabulous vacation with that cute husband of hers. I can't really bear watching her cry to a therapist that she was mentally ill to have sex.

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Dante's room: Michael comes to make his case for having mercy on Sonny. He weilds guilt like an axe or a pillow. He says Dante lied to all of them for months. Loo says he was doing his job. Michael says Sonny was doing his. He says Claud took his mother and sister and someone had to stop her. The specific way he says it catches Dante's attention. Michael leaves, and Dante asks Loo if something seemed off to her about Michael. Um, you men other than that he's a serial killer? Loo says he's worried about Sonny. Dante says that Mac said the same thing, and he never took Michael's statement about the murder.

Emma's Cottage: Robin and Patrick are both home. She apologizes for being "snarky" about Valentine's day. She says she depends on him and loves being married to him and wants to get back on track. He says it's not all her fault and that they have to put a bigger priority on their relationship. They kiss. She says "what happened to Elizabeth, that could have been me." WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT? Did I miss the scene where they explained Liz became a syphilitic heroin addict? What "happened" to her?

Shadybrook: Liz and Stephen survey her room. he says she signed herself in, and that's so brave. He says she can rest here and find news ways to look at all of this. Seriously, Rebecca Herbst better have box seats in Vancouver to explain all of this away. She says she chopped all those people's arms off because the voices told her it would ease her pain, but now she regrets it. I think she actually said something about sleeping with Nik, but that makes no sense to commit someone for sleeping with a hot guy you're in love with. So I'm just going to assume I missed the part where she became The Masked Amputator.

Haunted Star: Lucky visits his dad and says that despite the fact that Liz poisoned the Holy Water at the christening and thus killed everyone in town, he can't help but to still love her.

Commercials

Corinthaus: Olivia and Sonny discuss his trial and her testimony. He's under the mpression that because Olivia kept Dante from him, then he should get off for the murder of a woman he chose to publicly threaten. Forgetting, of course, that Olivia kept Dante from him because he's the sort of man who publicly threatens to murder women and also, he murders people.

Dante's room: Morgan shows up and makes a puppy dog face and asks Dante to help keep Sonny out of prison.

Haunted Star: Luke explains that after Liz gets therapy for having 14 distinct personalities, consisting of maniacs of the klepto, pyro, nympho varieties, as well as one personality who just calls himself Bruce and insists that he's a paramecium living in Paula Abdul's saliva, and a particularly fascinating personality who doesn't despise Ryan Lavery, then when she's better, Lucky and Liz can find their way.

Shadybrook: Helena shows up. Oy.

the end